Home > Environment, Europe, India, Indian media, Religion, USA > A Fart Tax and a Pink Revolution can “Save the World.”

A Fart Tax and a Pink Revolution can “Save the World.”


A satire on the study that cows are a leading generator of green house gases.

Holy cows are 'criminal' animals  |  Creative credits not available at source.

Holy cows are ‘criminal’ animals | Creative credits not available at source.

I

ndia, the world’s largest livestock owner, recently balked at the farming gas curbs at the UN climate talks in Doha.

India is also the fourth largest greenhouse gas (GHG) emitter, and has not done enough of its share of saving the planet.  To make matters worse India industrial economy and a hunger for cars, could sound the earth’s death knell.

India’s unholy environmental infractions are not limited to its industrial economy.  As the talks in Doha indicate, India environmental infractions have now taken a holy turn, by its unwillingness to pay taxes agricultural emissions that come from cows – also known as the fart tax.

For example, there are thousands of villages in India who adopt old cows, and let them live until their old age to die.  These unproductive cows do nothing but eat, burp and fart.  They consume valuable green resources, provide no milk, and then create the deadly GHG’s that will bring the world to an end.  These old cows are therefore a double whammy on poor earth.

India should learn from the US who does not let their cows get old.  Barack Obama and Bill Clinton, both critics of India’s industrial ambitions and agricultural obsessions, love a nice piece of steak. If it is veal, that comes from a calf, that’s considered even better.  The logic is, why let a cow live longer than needs to be?  In fact, as veal aficionados point out, the fetus of an unborn cow, not only makes for the most tender veal, but also contributes in saving the planet.  As these men so deliciously demonstrate, it is only rational that a cow, a calf or a fetus, is better dead and eaten, than living, eating, burping and gawd* forbid, farting (to be fair, a fetus is not known to fart, but a pregnant cow does emit more dangerous GHGs).  Additionally, eating beef is greener than eating beans,  because beans make humans emit more gases, thereby causing more environmental damage and hastening the end of the world.  India is not only a dangerous source of GHGs from the cows, but also people whose high fiber, vegetarian diet is a major threat to the environment through emission of these GHGs.

Pseudo-scientific 'studies' for political & propaganda purposes  |  Source: fatknowledge.blogspot.in; creative credits not available.

Pseudo-scientific ‘studies’ for political & propaganda purposes | Source: fatknowledge.blogspot.in; creative credits not available.

Far too many Indians do not eat beef because of silly religious dogmas and this orthodoxy is bringing the entire planet to a brink.

The recent talks in Doha are missing some critical out of the box thinking.  Al Gore has generously contributed to this planet by starting a Carbon credit trading firm; however, these carbon credits do not extend to agricultural GHGs.  India’s methane emissions have grown from 18.85 million metric tons in 1985 to 20.56 million in 2008 – largely from “emissions” from livestock.  There is talk of trading “cow emissions” where India can purchase the credits from American cows, who not only live a shorter life, they are also given special fodder to reduce their emissions.  The villages who adopt these cows, can also purchase these “emission” credits from farmers in the US.  While Al Gore is mulling making money from these credits, or what is known as a “fart tax,”  India can provide some creative alternative solutions to avoid the “fart tax” and also prevent doomsday.

All India needs is some leadership to solve this problem.  Thankfully, it can look up to its progressivist leadership from the civil society to start another colorful revolution.  After celebrating the success of the green and the white revolutions, Indians should team up with the UN, NGOs and Magsaysay award winners, and actor turned TV hosts, to start a Pink Revolution.  This revolution should start with a simple pledge:

For every car that is sold in India, Indians must pledge to cull two cows.

Do humans have the right to decide which life-life-form will exist? In what numbers? Where?  |  Cartoon by Mark Lester

Do humans have the right to decide which life-life-form will exist? In what numbers? Where? | Cartoon by Mark Lester

While this transition is taking place, instead of wasting all the meat from the culled cows – people should participate in this Pink Revolution, and join in for a “national beef eating feast” to celebrate the saving of the planet.  Some orthodox Indians might resist, but the English speaking Indian media, with the help of environmentalists and NGOs can urge the ignorant and backward  people of India, to break the chains of their decadent past.  Hillary Clinton, in addition to saving India’s burning brides and children involved in labor, can save Indians and teach them Obama’s and her husband’s excellent culinary and environmentally friendly gourmet beef recipes, by inaugurating an international “steak eating day.”  The younger, the rarer and the juicier the steak, the better for the planet. (Younger – why emit more gas by living longer? Rarer – why cook more and waste precious energy? Juicer – well it just tastes bloody awesome!)

Once all the cows are eliminated, meat hungry Indians could turn their attention to poultry.  These poultry farms with millions of chickens are a major source of Nitrous Oxide and Methane (N20 and Ch4), both deadly greenhouse gases, that will guarantee misery for our grandchildren as the world comes to an end.

It is time that Indians do their share and save the earth from disaster.  While Obama, Hillary  and Gore show the rest of the world the righteous path, India should follow their lead.  It is time India looks forward to this progressive undertaking, rather than be stuck in its ancient and decadent obsession of protecting cows.

Such issues arise from too much engagement with the West. India should work on more South-South trade, agreements, cooperation.  |  Cartoon by Peter Nicholson dated February 24th 2009; source & credit - nicholsoncartoons.com.au

Such issues arise from too much engagement with the West. India should work on more South-South trade, agreements, cooperation. | Cartoon by Peter Nicholson dated February 24th 2009; source & credit – nicholsoncartoons.com.au

A Gary Larson cartoon showed a flea in crowded “city” in the hair of a dog’s back saying: “THE END OF THE DOG IS NEAR…”

Human beings, especially Indians with their obsessions with their cars and their cows are like fleas, killing the poor dog.  India should follow the exemplary leadership shown by team Obama to help save the planet.  They really know what is right for all us and the funding they provide to thousands of scientists have earned them a consensus on these progressive ideas.

Obama and his missionaries of progress, patiently recognize that Indians know not what they do to the poor earth.  They know not that the end of days are near and their sins are the cause for this end.

Indians need to be saved so that the earth can be too.  This gawd needs sacrifices. As Indians, we must now recognize that we must sacrifice our holy cows and our vegetarian brethren for the sake of our grandchildren.

The sacrifices must begin today, before it is too late!

*GaWD = Global Warming Deity, the gawd that the climate change doomsday cultists worship

The author resides in the US, where cows are given a special diet and a short life, thus lowering the implicit fart tax and contributing towards saving the planet.  This allows him to stay vegetarian as India embraces this Pink Revolution.


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  1. December 7, 2012 at 10:12 am

  2. December 11, 2012 at 9:35 am

    @Tope

    Are you in zope mode? Feeling sleepy?

    Please come out with concrete ideas.

    Q How will a car buyer prove that he has culled two cows?

    A Deposit two cow-heads in formaldehyde jars at the reception of the auto-dealership.

    Q But this may not be enough. What about population explosion?

    A Another 2 formaldehyde jars with preserved foetus. With hospital certificate that these are Indian foetus. If foetus is Indian female, only one needed.

    Q Should we stop with this?

    A Not if you want latest Western technology products like cars. Produce a formaldehyde jar with a pair of testicles. Even after vasectomy, a sperm can escape and infect an egg.

    Not acceptable. Cut their balls off.

    Q Why would Indian Men accept castration?

    A These Public-Minded Men can be rewarded with a TEST – Testicular Enhancement & Supplemental Treatment.

    Choice of calf-leather bags for holding cosmetic testicles. Maybe have light-emitting testicles (Imagine LED lights; blinking lights (disco-testicles?). In translucent Kevlar bags? A satin-bag covered with pink feathers? Sequinned silk in bandhini colours?

    Attach a dye+flavor pump to the prostate gland. Imagine how much we will further the Jeffersonian Pursuit Of Happiness! When these men in their orgiastic fervour ejaculate fluorescent purple, black-current flavoured or a pulsating green, kiwi flavoured fluid? This ejaculate could even be scented – Musk, floral, spicy themes?

    What orgasmic heights for the women partners! Or shuddering pleasures for gay couples!

    If women can have breast-enhancement surgery, why not Men who have undergone TEST – Testicular Enhancement & Supplemental Treatment? I will also suggest an idea that there should be Testicular Bra – an equivalent of an Uplift Bra. These Pubic Minded (oops, sorry, Public-Minded) Men can use these Testicular Bras to exhibit TEST results.

    Q Nit-picking, mean minded readers may ask, what will the auto-dealers do with all these Formaldehyde Jars?

    A First the auto-dealer can display a 1000 such jars – different testicles; different cows-heads; different foetus in the rich reddish tinged jars with a back-lighting can set off most interiors.

    After reaching this critical mass of 1000 jars, the auto-dealer can cremate the excess material in a Holi bonfire or Ravana-dahan during Ram Lila.

  3. December 11, 2012 at 10:04 am

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