Home > India, Social Trends, Uncategorized > The Fake IPL Blogger – A Quicktake

The Fake IPL Blogger – A Quicktake

Is it Sourav Ganguly the blogger?
Is it Sourav Ganguly the blogger?

Last night some senior players met with the management to discuss this blog. Apparently, some Bengali journalist heard about this blog from his friend in India. The news spread fast amongst the journalistic circles. Initially, they suspected someone within their fraternity to be doing so. Some of the stuff written on the blog seemed to match the grapevine that they had heard too. One of them went and asked one senior player about it. Who, apparently, asked “Eyi Blog Maane Kee?”.

This is the most amusing blog I have read in a long time! There is not one cricketing insight in the entire blog. Sports media has been giving the blog extensive coverage – especially the Britsh media.

This seems like a blog by a PR man – who loves his Hinglish, who is has a free run amongst the players, who gets to hear all the ‘inside’ stories, has some practice with copy-writing. Cricketer he is not!

As for the blog, it is …

Some IPL Cartoons

Some IPL Cartoons


Especially the names for all the players.

Lordie is Saurav Ganguly. Kaan Moolo, (consensus is that he is Ajit Agarkar) the former India fast bowler comes in for some very interesting descriptions. Greg Chappel is Hawai Chappal – named for his talking airily about strategy – and coming up with nothing. The Sheikh of Tweak is Shane Warne. Bhooka Naan is Buchanan. Dildo is Shahrukh Khan – a play on dil in Hindi meaning heart.

My three favourite characters – Appam Chutiya is Sreesanth. Sheegra Patan (meaning premature ejaculation in Hindi) is a good pun on Sheegra Pathan – meaning Yousuf Pathan. The best, of course, was the Baja of Baroda – meaning Anshuman Gaekwad.

I could not make out who the Junta Tormentor or the Stylebhai was! But then this page de-constructed the names – to some extent. Kishen Kanhaiyya is supposed to be Ravi Shastri. Stylebhai is supposed to be Murali Karthik – whose fashion sense never seemingly deserted him. Ganji Hanger, supposedly, Sanjay Bangar was a superb one. And Janta Tormentor is supposedly, Ajanta Mendis. And Mangal Pandey is probably Laxmi Ratan Shukla. And Gilli Danda is Ashok Dinda.

The Phoren babas (McCullum & Buchanan) was a neat semantic trick.

Caution - Explicit Language
Caution – Explicit Language

Kaan Moloo

One of the most interesting characters in this blog, Kaan Moloo comes in for some special attention. A gem was one on Kaan Moloo – when Coachie was talking to Kaan Moolo.

I sat down and started nibbling on my toast. Overhearing them, I figured that Kaan Moolo has had his kaan moolo’d and is out of the Playing 11. Coachie was explaining to him reasons for why he is being left out. Let me summarize Coachie’s 5-minute monologue to Kaan Moolo. He essentially said that Kaan Moolo has a bright future, he just needs to work on his game a little bit. Basically, all he needs to do is improve his bowling, batting and fielding. That’s it. And he’s back in the team. Little does Coachie know that the exact same words have been spoken by each of Kaan Moolo’s coaches since 1998 – The Baja of Baroda said that, as did John Wrong after him, as did Havaii Chappal subsequently. What makes Coachie think that at the ripe young age of 32, Kaan Moolo would finally turn over a new leaf.

His secret fantasy –

I want to plug in my set top box into Kaan Moolo’s ass and see if his ears catch the Tata Sky signals.

More on Kaan moloo

I wonder how Kaan Moolo improved his cricket so fast to make yet another comeback. I have a feeling, he would be making comebacks even when my grand children are watching cricket.

Kaan Molloo makes a return in a later post …

Kaan Moolo was particularly upset after yesterday’s loss. He knows this was his last attempt at redemption, last chance to correct the 10 years of torture he has inflicted on Indian fans.

IPL Cartoons
IPL Cartoons

‘Appam’ progresses to become more famous than the Dosa

His characterization of ‘Appam’ (most people guess it is Sreesanth) has assumed 15 seconds of fame proportions.  With some secret ‘inside’ news on Appam –

Learnt a very interesting piece of news. Not sure if it’s true or not. Apparently, Appam Chutiya wasn’t slapped by Meera Bhai during last yr’s tournament. He was crying because his team owner Babli hugged everyone after the match other than him. The Prince of Patiala saw an opportunity to take Meera Bhai out of the equation and accused him of slapping Appam. I think Appam is still waiting for that hug.

His “Appam” saga continues … and Cool Dude (popularly believed to be Mahendra Singh Dhoni) makes an appearance …

as they say in English, “Form is temporary, class is permanent”. Or, as they say in Hindi “Appam ka Samay aur Chutiya hamesha kat-ta hai”. Appam’s done it again. First, he messes with a guy twice his size who has just belted him for sixes & fours, and then he goes to Cool Dude asking about his chances of making it to the T20 WC team if the main bowler doesn’t recover in time. Cool Dude just laughed it off saying that he doesn’t plan on visiting the match referee during the T20 WC.

Appam has become famous! And he doesn’t like it …! Not one bit … kyonki impression jaldi ban gaya hai …

Appam has confessed to his close confidantes that he isn’t quite enjoying his new internet stardom. And the fact that his teammates and even the public in SA is calling him Appam is hurting him a lot. He is blaming this blog …

On Appam and dosa … was a complete beaut …

The Prince is quite pissed with Appam. He’s been trying to tell Appam to reduce his attitude and improve his bowling. I have heard that nothing pisses off Appam more these days than someone calling him by his new name – Appam. Apparently, Big Mac had called him just that during change of overs the other day. And Cool Dude, who was batting with Mac at the time, had a huge grin on his face when he heard him say so. Prince hit him exactly where it hurts by saying, “Attitude toh poora masala dosa ka deta hai, aur bowling Appam jaisa karta hai”. When the boss cracks a joke, you got to roll on the floor with laughter. The whole team was in splits after that comment, although Appam wasn’t quite amused. Probably he doesn’t like people calling him only by his first name.

Of course, FIP, also competes with Charles Darwin … with his theory on the evolution of Appam …

Appam Chutiya has started bowling in the nets and seems to be getting to match fitness. I think he may be back soon. So, all the best guys. Surprisingly though, he was quite well behaved, hardly ever acted himself at the nets. It’s amazing how each IPL season Appam seems to leapfrog a few stages of the evolution cycle. Last year, with just one tight slap he suddenly evolved from being an Ape to a Neanderthal. And the run-in with Re-Peter seems to have magically brought him to the Cave Man stage. If someone were to meet him for the first time today, he could almost mistake Appam to be a normal human being.

And his potshots at Appam continue …

Talking about Appam Chutiya, the single-biggest contribution of this blog to humanity has been the reformation of Appam Chutiya. For the last week or so, he has been at his best behaviour since the time he was punished in school for pissing on the plants. My congratulations to all those who’ve made his name such a cult. In the last match, even the crowd in SA was calling him Appam.

‘Coachie’ Bhookha Naan

The other character who is ‘flesh and blood’ is Bhookha Naan (rhymes with a certain John Buchanan, earlier coach of Team Australia, now with the KKR). On the Coachie brilliance in strategy

He has come up with the most innovative strategy ever for tomorrow’s match. Tomorrow, we will aproach our innings very ingenously. If we lose an early wicket or two during powerplay, we will consolidate the inning rather than go for maximum. Man, nobody ever thought this before.

Some more on the coach

Coach hasn’t spoken to anyone since last night’s defeat. He was on his laptop the entire time that I have seen him today. I think he wants to send his laptop in to bat in the next time, given the amount of time he spends with it. May be if he spent half that time with us players, we may win a match or two.

His observations on the way some players (Akash Chopra and Sanjay Bangar) were used by Bhookha …

I have new found respect for Bhookha Naan and his coterie of ill advisors. I mean, their insight into the game is par excellence. They can see things that us mortals just can’t. To begin with they select Shakespeare and Ganji Hanger for a T20 tournament. That itself was genius. And then they sack them after just one inning each. Being the ignorant fool that I am, I thought they played just as all of us had always expected them too.

But, I think Bhookha must have seen something that we couldn’t and suddenly realised that they do not fit in. I wish I could fall at their feet and pray for enlightenment. Tell me, Oh my Master, what did you see in those 2 innings that you hadn’t known all along? What startling revelation was caught by only your eyes and nobody else’s? Tell me, please tell me, your enlightened soul, how do I see things beyond what is obvious?

And one incident of “water polo in the swimming pool” stands out … when Bhooka Naan decides to ‘go’ for the players …

Post lunch, most of us were in and around the pool. 8 of the guys, including the skipper, were playing water polo, 4-a-side. Others, including Bhookha and some of his buddies, were sitting around drinking beer. When the guys called the water polo match off, the score read 11-11. Bhookha, in his warped sense of humour, remarked that even in this game we couldn’t win. Skipper, who’s been seething in anger for the last couple of days, quickly retorted saying, “We’re lucky you aren’t the coach here ‘coz then we’d have definitely lost”. Not sure whether that was really funny, but everyone in and around the pool broke out in loud laughter. Not just that, we were guffawing for a good 2 minutes. Bhookha’s face, already tanned red, seemed to be turning into a strange shade of purple.

Player and team relations – Bahut ‘palitics’ hai

On the supposed showdown between Sourav and the Team Rulers on the Fake Blogger

Phoren Babas think that Lordie is Fake IPL. Apparently, he was called into the CEO’s room where Dildo, Coachie, and Skipper, politely asked him about it. But, they forget that this is THE LORD OF THE RING they are dealing with. The man who has punched every possible cricket establishment in the face and continues to live by his own rules. Lordie would have nothing of it and walked off in a huff using the choicest words possible.

Modi decides to host IPL abroad

Modi decides to host IPL abroad

With how ‘Bhooka naan’ is writing a report to Saala Slimeball (purportedly Lalit Modi) …

Bhookha and Durbaan are writing a detailed Memo that they’ll send to Saala Slimeball and his technical committee for next yr’s competition. One of the points being allowing more foreigners in the side. Other points include removal of the icon player concept from next yr itself, reduction of strategy time break, higher level of media gagging, and removal of biased commentators who influence public opinion.

His take on talks on bringing on Steve Waugh as the new Messiah …

Talks are on with another former Aussie player with very close ties with our city even as I write this. It seems bringing him on board will help assuage public anger. Also, Sticky has backed the idea of bringing him on. Which also means that Lordie may have no role to play next yr given his own relations (or the lack of it) with the new Messiah being brought in.

As for the team morale in KKR camp now …we are the happiest team in the tournament right now. We don’t have any more flights to catch as we continue to stay put. We don’t face any performance pressures like other teams do. The Phoren Babas are keeping their mouths shut given all the revelations. There are no more compulsory training sessions. This is now like a paid holiday. And the brightest part of our defeats? Dildo continues to stay in India.

We get to know how press conferences are becoming a source of friction between the Phoren Babas …

After the match, Skipper had a heated discussion with Bhookha. He made it clear that he isn’t going to the press conference alone. Bhookha was of the view that he is neither the coach nor the captain and has no reason to meet the press. It’s a captain’s job and the captain needs to do it. As they say, success has many fathers and failure is an orphan. The altercation was way beyond Boy George’s diplomatic skills. A quick call was made to Dildo and Bhookha was told to accompany Skipper to the press conference.

On how a certain commentator Kameez Pajama (configured as Rameez Raja) was given a brush off … by Sandy Maddy Babe …

Kameez Pajama, the late joinee in the commentators box, is desperately trying to make up for lost time. His first evening itself, right after his first match, he started acting fresh with Sandy Baddy Babe. Now Sandy’s an old hat at this shit. And she knew exactly how to put Kameez in his own Pajama. She gave her widest smile and said, “Pajama dear, I wouldn’t have gone out with you even when you were a player. You have high hopes of taking me out when you are just a commentator”.

His description of his team

The other good thing about the IPL is that I can see all these big shots from pretty close range. My team has a superstar captain…err sorry… ex-captain. We have a megalomaniac as our owner. Our coach comes with loads of attitude and baggage. Some of our international players are interesting characters.

And then another beauty – a description of Bangalore players hanging loose (under the yes of Kevin Pietersen)

All the usual suspects were there. Bevdaa was there under the watchful eyes of Peter Ka Beta. They weren’t exactly in high spirits. Neither would you if you’d just had a cork opener stuck in yous ass by your boss, reminding you that every run you scored so far has cost him $250,000.

How bad team selections are doing the team in .. and Lordie is not being consulted …

So far Bangla hasn’t questioned Bhookha on his exclusion and the rest of us aren’t authorised to ask. Lordie, the only guy who can question if he wants to, doesn’t really care any more and has absolutely nothing to say in team meetings or training sessions. He is just going through the drills. And outside of the ground, he hangs around with his old pals in other teams

All in all … good fun!

Only one thing .. not a word about Mahendra Singh Dhoni! Till we reach some post number 16 … or 17 … or so …

PS – I am informed that Sanjay Bangar is an adept blogger – who did a stint in blogging (with cricinfo?).

Part II – Update on 15/5/2009

The Fake IPL Player Blog has possibly (my feeling) been the biggest blog – which is not a celeb blog. This ‘fake’ continues …

The writer has introduced a poll which believes that the blogger is “Journo with inside info”. He also informs us about the ‘racism’ by the ‘Phoren Babas’, who swore at Kaan Mollo as “You Indian” … I cant see what the issue with that was? He should have replied back,“Yes .. You Australian … You wanna talk … ?”

Late last night, we were asked uh..actually requested… to assemble. All the Phoren Babas were there too. And they all spoke about how highly they regard India and India’s culture. They apologised for anything that may have been said in the heat of the moment. They said that they didn’t mean any harm and had nothing but absolute respect for everyone in the team. You know what, most of the Phoren Babas are nice and friendly. It’s just a small, tiny group that sucks. Unfortunately, they stick to Bhookha like some strange extensions of his male anatomy, and hence are very influential in the scheme of things. Btw, Dildo is in touch with Slimeball on the issue and there’s an attempt to hush up the matter.

The names are a major attraction on this blog. E.g. Chikna Pussy (reputedly David Hussey) and two new characters have made an entry.Chirkut Teli (aka Viraat Kohli) Chinnu Popli (opinion is divided, but those who know better than me think he is Bharat Chipli) – who were out to ‘score’ …

our gang of losers also went looking for Big Game, trying their luck in several different nightspots. But each and every one of them returned empty handed. Quite predictable, I thought. Imagine a group comprising Gilli Danda, Buddhiman Baba and Bubaan hitting on hot white chicks. My respect for South African girls has actually gone up a bit. At least, they know a bunch of losers when they see one.

Continuing on ‘pick-up’ in another post ..Dhakkans’ middle order batsman, Ghati Baba, was busy practicing his pick-up & throw skills with 2 of their cheerleaders.It was Castro’s last night here and he sure was making it count. Being the class act that he is, even off the field he seemed to be aiming at the block-hole.

And another nasty swipe at ‘Dildo’ for his dancing at Indian marriages …

Dildo’s informed Boy George that he wants to be with the team for the last 2-3 matches. Looks like the marriage season in India is soon getting over.

Even underwear is not below his radar .. where he takes off on

If dropping catches wasn’t embarassing enough, our young boy Bubaan not only dropped a catch, he also showed half the stadium behind us his white cotton ‘andar ki baat’ while doing so. Dildo is furious at this gross indecent exposure. He feels this one act of negligence has caused more harm to our reputation than all our defeats put together. What’s the point of spending so much money on designer jerseys if players wear their nadavalas under them? We have been told that, as per Dildo’s orders, each of us will get 500 Rands to buy better looking jockeys. Good news for all of us, with the exception of Buddhiman Baba who is now a nervous wreck. He has been informed that in all of Africa they don’t make jockeys his size.

Some more ...
Some more …
  1. May 5, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    I think these matches are fixed to increase TRP..!! Priety Zinta accepted this fact today during the KPXI and RR match while speaking to that Non China Resident Miyang Chang..!!

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